My Life for the past 5 years

21 November 2016

Finansial

I'm turning 39 next year, and it's been a year or so since my last relationship with a woman. The last relationship I had is with a girl with 13 years younger than myself, I've accepted her since she told me that she wants to merry me. On one month of relations, I told her to find other man that more suited for her, since we are 13 years apart I ask her to leave me right then. But at that time she insisted to hang on to our relationship. I accepted, 6 months passes, we got engaged, but we also had a lot of fights in our relationship, I can't go along with her habits, and vice versa she can't too, until one day we had a very huge fight, and I decided to escorted her to her family, and unbound all ties. right then I told her families the reasons that I can't accept her was her attitude when left home she didn't give me any information about anything, and I also didn't know where she went, with whom, and what time will she be back. and the one that hurt me so was when we had a fight, she left and I as her future husband didn't know where she went, all that she left was a hang on our fight matters. But then when she came home, she put a smile and the fight is over without some solutions, this goes on and on and on, But after I returned her to her families for 3 days apart, she called me, and ask me for forgiveness and she want me to give her another chance, and I ask her, are you serious....? after talks and talks, I accepted her again. Well I guessed were that we didn't try to do our best in our relations, because after she returned home and in two weeks time we had another huge fight, she read my chat in BBM regarding a client wants to be entertain by me and right then she walks out of our home without even talks to me, she packed her belonging and left. the 2nd weeks after she left, she knocks at my door and burst into my home and with face all angry, didn't say any words at all; she packing her left belonging and all the items that she can't take the other night she left. I try to talked her regarding this, calm down and sat down and let's talk, and then she began yells at me and she didn't want me in her life cause i'm not the guy she thinks. and then right then I like mad and yelled her back, and we got into a fight. a fight that really make me a shame of myself. to get out from this messed I had to bow down to her entire families and said that I'm sorry and that I lost my mind. as all families gathered, we decided not to pursue on this and agreed to totally unties the bonds. 2 months passed, and in my gut, I had to do something.... I've done a terrible thing to her, I try to contact her, and told her, if she didn't do what she has done in the first place, I wouldn't do those terrible things to her. at first she don't want anything to do with me anymore, and after try and try and try. she allowed me to be her boyfriend again but this time, our relations was a backstreet relation, our families didn't know that we had contacted each other. I told her to give me a chance, I treated her wrongly for a year and I ask her forgiveness and told her that it wasn't who I am. and that's the truth. After 2 month of backstreet, I tried to do good by her, and she acknowledged it, but her attitude were the same as before, she treated me like I didn't even in her life. So after 2 month of backstreet relations, I request to have a serious talk with her. and on that talked I decided that this is the end. I told her, that I can't handle her, and her attitude is too much for me. no matter I treated her, she didn't treat me like she acknowledged me as her boyfriend/future husband. I said to her, I have proven, if she treated me with respect, I also treated her with respect, you love me, and I will love you twice more, but still some of her attitude I can't stand, right then she also agrees with me, as we broke up we decided that we have to move on with our own life, this makes me free out burden, I have made a mistake, I had asked for forgiveness to her and her whole families as well as mine, and along side with that I had proven to her that i'm not the man that she thought, and she acknowledged that, and as we broke up, we did it without any grudge and hatred. With this on my hands I can go on with my life without any burden left. I get on my life as usual, like the sun is shining and God is with me everyday... two months passes, and then suddenly my phone rang. it was her... I picked it up and in that phone she was asking if we can meet up, she has something to told me. I answered, we can meet up, but please be it in a public place. we agreed to have a meet in one of the mall in jakarta. as we meet, she explained to me, that she can't sleep, can't eat, and haven't eaten for 3 days. I told her to eat, and to place an order what would she like. and then she ate. after a while she throws up, and started to cry, she said she can't live without me. and wants us to be united again. I said OK, but there's some matters to be resolved, Last time I had proven to her that I'm not the man that she thought I am. but her families and my families already knows what she wants them to think of me. and I said to her, as long as I've proven to you that i'm not what you think of, it didn't matter on what other people thinks of me, but since you asked me to re united, I need her to explained everything to her families, all the accusations brought by her to her fams and mine. she need to explained all the negative news that she brought and she need to make sure that all of our families agreed that we would be reunited, and I gave her 2 weeks to do that, meanwhile we can't see each other and we can't be united before she explained everything to her family and mine. long story short she did it. After that we get on with our lives, I help her to get back on her feet, I help her to get a better job, thought her everything that she wants, and she did it, after a successful 3 years of relation I decided that this is it, this is the end of the road and this time I will have my own families. we planned we chose we pay the invitation card, bridal and all the preparations were made. But then she acting different, she tossed my hand, she didn't talk, her body smells different, and these hurts, and long story short she left, she said after a while she has doubt in her mind, she wasn't prepare to get married, and even if we get married she don't want to have children right away. and i got speechless after everything we've gone through. even now, I still can't understand why she said those things. Nowadays my days are filled with work, home box office movies and tv serials, sometimes I cooked for my friends back home. when working or mingles, I can pick up my pace, at home when there were movies, I can filled these gaps of emptiness with movies. since 2013, she filled my life for four years, we are planning to get married, than she has doubts, and left on September 19th, 2015. and all left was me, alone and empty, left, hurts, disappointing.... Everyday activities keep me busy for all these times, and if I have work/activities to do, then, I think, I can think straight. The problem arise when I need to sleep, I can't seem to get her off of my mind, dream about her, like nearly everyday. these days I'm afraid to go to sleep, because if I sleep and in the morning the picture of her will fill my head, the longer we've been apart the tougher it gets, to try to live without her is like the most hard things in my life. Even after a year apart, can't get her off of my mind, I know I need to let her go, and I know that's she's already move on with her life. but why can't I? how come in so many years being with someone, she's the one thing that I can't shake off of my mind? what to do? am I crazy? Do I need to seek help? will this pain will go away? can I move on with my life? can I found someone in the future?

658 dilihat